Let's talk therapy

This week I had my therapy session and as usual we ended up on the topic of family. It's our childhood that lands us in the hands of a professional. In this particular session, we discussed expectations, standards, and values. I have a hard time living my life for myself and strive to live a life that will help me fade into the background. Growing up one of the tactics to get me to act a certain way or do something was to threaten me with gossip. For example: "You don't want to have a messy room when people get here, everyone will talk about you" It's a weak example but take that and apply it to a standard that your family has unanimously decided everyone needs to uphold. That or comments like -she didn't learn that from me- when discussing a trait or habit that wasn't passed down through the ages.

This fear of being judged by my family only got worse as an adult because I'm included in adult conversations now. I can witness and participate in the familial slander with the rest of them. The problem is as they tear down someone for the way they act or for not closing cabinet doors, I dare not speak for being outed and ridiculed (I most definitely have an issue closing cabinet doors). This seems small to some, but I have anxiety and am a quiet person in a loud boisterous family. I can't speak my mind as well as the others without at least a little liquid courage. I relayed all of this to my therapist and they asked me what my values outside of my family are. I have no idea.

Why can't I have dishes in the sink and clothes on the floor without feeling like a complete failure only because that's not how my mother (or anyone in the family really) would live?

I was given homework at the end of this session to basically find out who I am and what I value. Find out what things I need to invest in in order to feel comfortable, content, and accomplished. To stop setting myself up for failure and resist the expectations of my family that I know I won't reach.

What are some values or standards you have and was it something you found on your own or due to how you were raised?